** SPOILER ALERT **
If you use Power Balance Bands and don’t want to know the truth behind them, do not read further. In fact, this warning goes if you use Power Bands, Balance Bands, Bionic Bands, Silly Bands or you’re just a singer in a rock and roll band. I don’t want to be blamed for bursting your balloon or adding strokes to your croquet game.
** SPOILER ALERT **
I have to tell you something. I hate the expression I have to tell you something mainly because I know someone who says it all the time and it is usually something like “I’ve got to tell you, I like pens better than pencils” which may be entirely true but is not exactly the type information that was bursting to be brought forth. Had to tell me? HAD to? Okay. Anyhow, that’s not what I had to tell you.
I do have to tell you that I am in something of a quandary. I have super secret information about Power Balance Bands that I want to tell you about but I am afraid it will be just too much for some people. Like the fact that I am avoiding the whole Tooth Fairy conversation with my kids. I think it’ll be a bit much and it’s not really hurting them. Well, one kid I know who wanted a new video game and ripped a tooth out of her head so she could make a couple of extra dollars…she should probably be told about the Tooth Fairy and fast. But I’m not doing it. See, I’m not sure I want to be the one to lay this heavy news on people. Maybe they’re not ready to hear it. Maybe the Power Balance Strength Bands are giving them that perfect edge in their sport and anything that might spoil that edge isn’t worth it. Maybe I will single-handedly screw up the next world series or world cup or world wrestling federation cage match.
You’re probably thinking I’m going to tell you that these bands are worthless. That sticking a hologram on a piece of plastic and attaching that to your wrist couldn’t possibly affect athletic performance in any reproducible, measurable way. You’re thinking that the very idea that “Power Balance bands are designed to work with your body’s natural energy field” and “the hologram in Power Balance is designed to resonate with and respond to the natural energy field of the body” is downright silly.
And you’re thinking I’m going to tell you they don’t work.
You’re wrong. they do work.
Don’t misunderstand me, these plastic bracelets are the original silly band. They’re bullshit and there is nothing but junk hooey to back them up…along with a bunch of testimonials (insert your own joke about Ekolu Kalama famous stand up paddle surfer here).
But they do work.
I asked my good friend, the world famous neurologist as seen on TV to explain in ten words or less how these plastic energy holographic bands work.
“Alex, I’ll take plastic placebos for 500.”
True. But placebos work.
Remember my post about placebos a while back? https://rochesterchiro.wordpress.com/2008/10/24/one-pill-makes-you-larger-and-one-pill-makes-you-lie/
We discussed the fact that placebos can be helpful to patients but there is no getting around act of lying. Well, the makers of Power Balance Bands are lying. They are telling people why the bands work using made up terms and junk pseudoscience instead of just telling people that they do work. The theory and pretend science is garbage and an embarrassment.
Here’s the bottom line: If you think these things will improve your athletic performance, your math skills or generally make you a better looking person, you are probably right. But if you for one second believe that a 3-D picture like a hologram can balance out your energy fields, improve your strength or flexibility, or that Mylar material treated with energy waves at specific frequencies resonate and work with your body’s natural energy flow to help enable you to perform at the best of your ability, then please schedule some time with me because I think we need to have the Tooth Fairy conversation as well.
And remember, somewhere, someone has a warehouse full of copper bracelets all the athletes swore by ten years ago. If you are going to use one of those or the Power Bands, remember to wipe off the snake oil first. It interferes with the energy flow.
Dr. Brett L. Kinsler practices both chiropractic and skepticism in Rochester, NY.